While she’s obviously moved on with her life since then, Jennifer Lopez remembers just how hard it was ending her third marriage to Marc Anthony.

Lopez admits in her book, True Love, that she felt relieved after deciding it was best for both parties to divorce Anthony. Still, she dreaded what would come after that.

With her marriage coming to an end, the household she had known for so long would inevitably change along with it. Plus, Lopez was afraid of being judged as a result of another one of her public relationships “failing.”

“I knew what it meant to say these phrases out loud: It meant the top of my marriage. The finish of our household. The finish of the dream I had labored so onerous to carry collectively. And it meant greater than that,” Lopez wrote in True Love. “It meant that when once more I used to be going to be judged. I used to be going to be ridiculed, chastised, and mocked. I used to be so scared to have one other failure, to be scrutinized by the world, and to disappoint everybody . . . once more.”

J. Lo also had concerns that the divorce would have some effects on her and Anthony’s children, and she didn’t want Max and Emme to have to go through anything negative because of decisions she made.

“This divorce wouldn’t affect just Marc and me,” wrote Lopez. “It would affect these two beautiful little souls we had brought into the world. I was devastated at the thought of hurting Max and Emme. I was afraid that I was about to ruin their lives, that someday they would resent me for not being able to keep this marriage together.”

The star went on to say that she “agonized” over what could be best for her kids.

“I was pulled in both directions, which is why I had fought so hard against admitting the inevitable,” she continued. “I couldn’t admit that this marriage was over. But in the end, the truth finds a way to surface, even if you don’t want it to. That day in the desert, with my brain going wild trying to deny reality, I had finally hit rock bottom.”

Lopez admits that she already knew there were issues within her marriage, but she chose to disregard them in an effort to keep her family together.

“I knew we had problems, but we loved each other, and we were trying, and I wanted more than anything to have a family—this family,” Jennifer revealed. “So, I was willing to ignore whatever wasn’t going well, for the greater good of preserving it.”

In the end, after 10 years of marriage, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony called it quits in 2014.